i never really understood the phrase 'never judge a book by it's cover' because i made an effort to not judge others..but when you know you're being judged solely from the image you project..it just, puts things in perspective.
i know i put up this front. i laugh at all of your lame ass jokes. i smile to everyone, because i know others might be hurting too. but maybe it's be over killed now. because i'm not as happy as i seem. yes, i enjoy your presence so i laugh and smile because who wants to be around a depressed person all of the time?no one.
i like catching your sideways glances. they make me feel less hideous.but the other day when we were talking about smoking and you said you liked to smoke hookah once in a while because you quite smoking and that's the closest thing to it.and i said i can understand that. and you said you doubted it.
seriously? i can't have a vice? when we were walking into the building and fumbled over my words, it wasn't because i didn't want to cuss. i'll say ass all day..it's because i was trying to say a different word, but for some reason you make me stupid.
i know you're in AA. my dad has been in since i was 11..my moms been in recovery for drug addiction for a few years too..i know the phrases,and the phone calls you have to take to talk someone out of ruining their sobriety. you haven't said this directly, but again, the clue are there and i just put them together. and i know you have a year in. you can thank your facebook status for that breech of privacy.
i think you would understand my eating disorder/depression/fucked up-ness. or at least try to understand. you're kind. you have your life set out and all mapped and ready to go.
i want to go with you on your journey. we would be good together. i understand your need to stay sober, i respect that. it makes me like you even more.
i just wish you'd ask about my story some time. then you would know i'm not the happy go lucky girl who giggles at everything and is just oh so wonderful.
but then if you did know, i'm afraid you wouldn't want anything to do with me. you'd want to find someone who didn't have baggage because you have enough of your own to carry and mine would just be extra weight.
but i would carry yours. i want to carry yours. i need to carry yours....well, i don't need to actually, i'm not a martyr.
when we go to dinner to 'celebrate' i have a feeling you're going to bite off more than you can chew. you're going to ask me a question that have a more than simple answer and i'm just going to go off kilter and tell you something totally depressing. and after the show wraps up you'll never talk to me again.
i had an eye opening moment at rehearsal today. you made a embarrassingly bad joke.and i chuckled.and you called me out on laughing at a terrible joke and said i didn't have to suck up to you anymore, that i already 'had the job'..1) WTF does that mean? job as stage manager?...um, i'm not being paid so it's not a job 2)...uhh...i'm an idoit.
when did the smart girl who was sassy and quick as a whip turn into a pile of mushy giggles and grins?
i think he thinks i'm an idoit....and i think i've turned into one too..so he wouldn't be too far off.
i used to (well, i still am) be confident in my "work mode"..meaning anything other than my image or any feelings toward myself..i had this tough, bitchy, get shit done attitude..and i still have that..but around him i'm...completely blinded and giddy.
next rehearsal is mainly to set of the tech stuff...and my goal is to NOT come off as an idiot.
and then tech week starts..then fri/sat/sun the show runs...so i'll see him everyday for a whole week.
sorry for babbling like a love crazed pre teen.
on a completely different note...i've lost 2 more pounds!! i'm sooo very close to be in the 120's i can taste it. and it tastes like sweet sweet victory.
it's been raining a shit ton here lately..so my daily walks/runs have been lacking. but yesterday i cleaned for 2 hours so, that counts for something. and since i've eaten a few meals, small, but ingested, i've taken my lovely laxatives..which i have to replenish my supply. so all is well
i can't wait to work out tomorrow! it's supposed to be mice the next few days, so i'll be able to catch up!! whoop whoop!!..and the park that i cut through has a play ground that have a very fun swing set...and the swinging keeps my heart rate sky high..and that burns calories.and i actually feel the burn. and now i have a gap between my sausage link legs. SCORE!
i'm going to be having company soon for the show so that means HIDING ALL THINGS ANA :( it'll only be for a few days...but i hate hiding stuff because that just makes me think people are going through my things and they'll find all of my secrets. and that scares me.
wow...didn't realize i babbled for this long....guess it doesn't really matter when no one reads/comments my blog anymore anyways...so with that i'll say PEACE OUTTT
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