So.
I've been feeling super shitty lately. Constant headache, fatigue,mood swings.
But, I know this is all a good sign. Everything is working. I should be worried if I don't feel anything,right?
Sorry if there's any confusion. I've only eaten an apple today and 1/2 an adderall. Yesterday my intake was higher than normal ( apples with peanut butter,individual serving of cottage cheese, shit ton of pre-cut fruit,..then mini bagel with peanut butter) so i took two laxatives last night. They have done there job and had rid me of my horrible choices.
For the moment I'm watching an independent movie with olivia wilde.she's an ity bity. i did some research, we weigh the same @ 120-125-ish..but she's 5'7'',and i'm 5'2''.so there's that.
My arms are getting smaller.the muscle i once had from gymnastics and various other sports is no disappearing. my inner thighs are bigger than my house though. is seems whatever i do to overwork them to make them smaller is not working. others say i'm small.my tags on my clothes say i'm small. my mirror and my eyes tell me different.
my face is more defined.the guys at work say that i'm 'hot'. i've been getting tipped more too.
that just gives me motivation to keep going.
ugh,my head is killing me. i was hoping the sugar from the peanut butter would take the edge off. i HATE taking pain killers. does that make me a HIPPOcrate? i'm just fine with taking energy pills,adderall,water pills,'herbal green tea' shit, laxatives..but i can't take a fuckking advil?
fuck
i hope that when i make my move back to the north that my family won't pick up on my 'habbits'. the family i live with now..well, they don't really pay attention. we have a fend for yourself attitude when it comes to meals, so i get off easy not eating. i do keep getting those sideways glances though.
i can always say my weight loss is for the advancement of my career..i'm an actress. before you ask, i haven't done any paying work yet. just community theater and high school things, and stuff around this god forsaken college town....but i will be soon.
back in cleveland i'll be renting out an apartment from my uncle.it's on the third floor.complete seclusion. anyway,my uncle knows a shit on of people in the biz. ( i want to do TV/film) so, being as tiny as a tooth pick is a requirement,no?
i have about a month until i leave.
a month until i start my life of fast paced people,partying,acting, dreaming,amazing adventures.
and hopefully i'll be in LA within 2 years. that's the plan.and the plans i make always work out.always. i make them.
just like i'm going to make myslef weigh 5 lbs less by next monday.7 days.
i'm ranting.i have no one else to talk to though.i am alone.
i crave human contact. well, i crave contact of a man.
someone to make me feel safe, wanted.
i want to feel tiny in his embrace.
to feel his hands brushing over my bones.
maybe i'll find my mysterious lover in cleveland.
i haven't ran today yet.
last week, according to my heart rate/watch thing i burned over 4,000 cals in 6 days. just by walking/jogging.
i was so pleases and inspired when i saw that number.
i only burned 325 yesterday, now i'm exhausted.
i have no motivation. even after looking at thinspo and reading blogs.
i just want to sit and waste away.
to bones,and taunt skin,and thinness.
well. i guess i can stop boring you with my confusing bits of emotion.
ciao bella xox
Hun, you make me feel so much better. and give me that extra push today before i turned around and made that plan i thought of you. and how much you ALL look up to me. and decided. THIS HAS TO CHANGE. your blogs make me feel like if you can get through so can i.
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