barf

so even though i fill my face with food, i haven't gained a pound.i look super bloated though; that's what i hate the most, i think.
if i ate a ton and weighed a ton and looked like i weigh a ton, then i would be more accepting of how i feel.
i just weigh a ton and look like i do.( @ 134 lbs 5'2''...i look like a whale)
i've tried those pills, they DO curb my appetite.only a bit though.they make me aware that i'm avoiding food, like i don't already know.

i tried running earlier this week.only last week i was jogging 6-9 miles a day.on wednesday i could barely WALK 1.5 miles.what the hell is wrong with me?!?!
i'm a bloated, weak,fat whale.
fat fat fat fat.
and yet i still stuff my face.
i really have a craving for mozzarella sticks.they're about 1200 cals a serving.fuck that shit.
i get anxiety from eating 200 cals, i'd DIE if i ate 1200.
i wish food didn't taste good.
i wish i had no desire to eat.
i don't get hungry, i just...eat,inhale if you will.
this blog is just making me angry with myself.
why do i have such a hard time resisting?
why must i put food in my mouth, chew, and then swallow?
why,when drinking water,do i bloat up like a whale?
why can i have no energy to work out..because i really miss it.
i have a lot of questions and zero answers.
whatevs, i'm going to sleep.maybe i'll wake up tomorrow and not want food at all.
in my dreams